Writing helps me forget.

So, in short life keeps getting harder. There's no sugarcoating the fact that I'm now an adult who has bills and things to pay. I can't pretend that everything is going to be okay just by hiding behind a truth.

I can drink, I suppose. But drinking to ease pain and troubles is usually frowned upon in today's society. (screw today's society).

I guess I'm thinking about an episode of Ugly Betty I watched yesterday night with my best friend. In it, Betty's father told Daniel that even though his life seems meaningless and shitty he has to fixate himself on his passion. (of course the statement wasn't as blunt but I'm cutting time here and I have a horrible memory when I am drunk).


But it got me thinking about my passion, which is writing. I have always been a writer. I've loved books since I was little, and when I was old enough to use the computer I started practicing every day. Sure, fanfiction were a great source of encouragement and criticsm but I ended up writing even my own stories at an early age.

Back in 2009 when I started my second year of college, I came up with an idea for a novel. At first it wasn't much of a story. The original plot seems really immature to me now. But I've been working on it for years and it's no where near finished. It's not that I don't want to finish it, it's that I just want to make sure that I get every exact aspect of my imagination correct to the t. That's the perfectionist in me though.

But I really need to start writing it again. I keep trying to but I have life handing me lovely presents I have to deal with on a regular basis that like most writers I can't find any inspriation to write since I'm so busy worrying about everything else.

Hopefully when I move at the end of the summer I can finally focus on the things that were once so important to me. Such as writing, finding a job at a bookstore, and other things. I don't know, I just feel stuck right now. I'm unemployed because of a craptastic decision on my part. (and the blame of managers at the store). I've run out of savings. I'm not in college anymore yet I still hear "When are you going back to school!????" I keep feeling as though my life isn't even controled by me anymore. It's a horrible feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I need control in my life again. I need passion in my life again. I need reassuance, I need to live the life of a young adult not someone who deals with this exact shit when they're fifty. I just wish things could be different. I can't help but wish even though wishing doesn't do anything. I just need a break. Not a vacation, just a break. I need a chance to breathe because I am suffocating amongst this endless vortex called life.

I hope things get better for me this week.

<3